Transitions are never easy for globally mobile families and can be especially difficult for cross-cultural kids like MKs and TCKs. Paul Snider, an ATCK, shares the importance of taking time to name loss and grieve. Be sure to check out the new resource under his bio that he and Donna Kushner published recently to help families during transition.
“Are you a pre-griever or a post-griever?” asked my wife.
It was January 7. The unofficial week of “Reality Hits.” I was driving us to Easy Luck, a favorite coffee shop near our new house. My wife, Rachel, and I had just moved into a duplex in December. We left behind more than four years of memories in an apartment community that we loved.
“Well, I think I don’t grieve at all,” I answered.
Rachel gave a teasing laugh.
“I’m kidding, but I think this is the first transition I have actually grieved well.”
Naming the Losses
It’s funny to admit: I have spent more time and given more words naming the losses of moving from an apartment to a house than I did moving from Jamaica to the U.S. after high school. Back in 2012, when I was graduating, I had never heard about TCKs, transition, or grief. I probably would have thought of Charlie Brown if you asked me what grief meant. Or a funeral.
When we were getting ready to move out of our apartment, we went on a walk across the street to Mecato’s. (Sorry, this story revolves around a lot of different places to get coffee—make a list, it will help). It’s the Colombian bakery we walk to when we want to act like we live in a city where we can go shopping and get a pastry and hear a language that isn’t English all around us. It’s where we go to feel like we aren’t in suburban Orlando, surrounded by Publix shoppers and HOA board members. Because of that connection to life outside of the U.S., Mecato’s was a place we were grieving. We’d no longer be able to walk and get a pan de bono together on Friday at 8am. Sure, now we can drive to a different Mecato’s or bike to a nearby Boba shop we like. Those are great things to look forward to—they will help make our new house a home. But they don’t fill the space left by the special memories we are leaving behind.
And the simple act of acknowledging that has given me comfort and peace in the midst of the move. I feel like I’ve gently closed the door on a significant part of my life rather than storming out and leaving the door listless on its hinges, open and seeping jarring light and dust into an empty room.
As a 31-year-old, looking back on the big moves of my life, I want to take the time to go back and name what changed, what I lost, and what I gained. And as part of my work with TCKs, I want to help others do the same. It isn’t a complicated thing to do, but talking about what you’re leaving behind and what you’re entering while in transition makes the biggest difference. In 10 years of working with Missionary Kids through mk2mk, I’ve seen again and again that the opportunities to talk, share, and be understood in community make the biggest difference in how we show up from one transition to the next.
What is Healthy Grieving?
Now that we’ve been in our house a while, I have a better answer to Rachel’s question. Healthy grieving can include a bit of both: pre-grieving and post-grieving. Leaving our apartment, I thought a lot more about the losses before we left. We were sad as we told our neighbor friends. We had a bittersweet pancake brunch on our balcony one last time. We said goodbye to the ducks, even the ones that pooped on the sidewalk. My heart still pangs with loss when I think of the neighbors who left before we got to know them like we wished or for the casual, unplanned conversations that won’t happen again. But that pain is a reminder of our love and having lived well. It’s human.
Since leaving Jamaica almost 13 years ago, I haven’t taken enough time to say goodbye. Maybe I never will. Thankfully, I can still visit, I still have family and friends there. But it hasn’t been the same since I moved, since the last time I was in our home of 16 years. So, in that case, it’s only been post-grieving. In high school, I had no idea that leaving, in the midst of great celebration and expectation, also had a great loss. I was the youngest. The three others already made the big move. It felt natural to leave, not natural to grieve.
Thankfully, it’s never too late to grieve.
Paul was born in Mandeville, Jamaica and lived there from 0 to 18 as a Missionary Kid (MK). He’s been working with teen TCKs for 10 years. In that time he met his wife Rachel in South Africa. He now serves as the Director of mk2mk, a ministry of Cru, that cares for Missionary Kids and their families as they navigate the TCK life. Rachel and Paul live in Orlando, Florida with their dog Blayke.
https://worldshereandthere.com
Recently, Paul has worked on creating a self-guided resource to help people process their transitions. He and his co-author, Donna Kushner, have just come out with a new book: Worlds Here & There: An Activity Book For International Transition. This resource helps individuals, families, or teams to practically name the parts of their world they are leaving behind (the people, places, things, and memories) and the parts of the new world they are entering. Check out the book here.
