Adapted from Raising Global Teens: Parenting in the 21st Century
We all have a story. My father came as a graduate student from southern India to the US on ninety-day trip aboard a Spanish cargo ship via Ellis Island. My mom, who was raised in India and Kuwait, set off to the US as a newly married bride after meeting my father once in their hometown and having an arranged marriage. My German father-in-law was an adolescent in the aftermath of World War II and felt first-hand the terrible guilt and silence that gripped his homeland. My mother-in-law recalls a difficult childhood move with her parents from East to West Berlin before the Berlin Wall was built (which then for years separated her from other family members).
Most of us have experienced change, transition, and different communities and cultures. According to a survey I have been conducting among cross-cultural kids, going through a move and defining identity/belonging are top concerns among teens. I recently spoke to a young, bubbly Swedish American teen who had lived in Sweden, Panama, and the US, and was visiting us while backpacking through Europe. She mentioned that she never really discussed her moves and distinct background with her peers or family, yet it is a very important part of who she is. With each move, there was a sense of anxiety and fear, particularly when coming to the US and starting high school.
According to author Jo Parfitt, the Japanese art form known as kitsungi is an apt metaphor for our life experiences. Adapting to new surroundings or cultures and leaving old ones can be challenging. Kitsungi is a type of art in which porcelain which has been broken is put back together with golden glue. This type of jar is highly valued in Japan because of the many breaks and the glue that holds it together. In fact, it is more valuable than a perfect-looking porcelain jar. We all have many cracks, fissures, and patched-up areas in our lives.
Everyone has a story to share. Often, we don’t take account of how our story affects us. Shared stories can inspire, entertain, resonate, and provide relief. Unexpressed stories can fester and cause suffering and challenges with identity and belonging.
Growing up as an Indian American in the US, I wondered where I really belonged. I recall visits to India, where despite looking like others, my poor command of my parents’ mother tongue prompted strangers to curiously ask, “Where are you from? You must not be Indian.” Likewise, in our small American hometown, I was on occasion asked, “Are you from India? You have really good English.”
If a teen does not develop a clear sense of belonging, it can affect them significantly into adulthood. In my own work, when teens are unsure or vulnerable, they may look to others, such as their peers, for acceptance and to help them define who they should be, how they should look, and what they should do. For example, a poor sense of identity (and self-esteem), can put teens at risk for poor body image and eating disorders or using alcohol and drugs.
Research supports these observations. For example, a US-based study conducted by Raquel Hoersting examines the relationship between a cross-culturally mobile childhood, identity, and self-esteem1. The study indicates that those individuals reporting “cultural homelessness” had lower self-esteem scores. On the other hand, those reporting a higher level of belonging and cross-cultural identity had higher self-esteem and a lower sense of cultural homelessness.
Jo Parfitt suggests that we make our stories sacred, but not secret. Getting kids to open up about their own stories is a powerful and valuable exercise in developing their own identity and expressing themselves. Whether it is writing, speaking, drawing, dancing, etc, there are so many ways to share our unique experiences. So, now is the time to start asking yourself and your kids, what is your story?
- “No place to call home: Cultural homelessness, self-esteem and cross-cultural identities”, Raquel C. Hoersting, 2009: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/251508490_No_place_to_call_home_Cultural_homelessness_self-esteem_and_cross-cultural_identities.
Dr. Anisha Abraham is a physician leader, public health expert, and bestselling author of Raising Global Teens: A Practical Handbook for Parenting in the 21st Century. Drawing on more than 30 years of experience in adolescent health and leadership across the United States and internationally, she brings a global perspective to parenting, resilience, and the challenges facing today’s teens. She is Chief of Adolescent Medicine at Children’s National Hospital and Professor of Pediatrics, a TEDx speaker and a media spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics. She is also co producer of the short film One Small Visit which was as an Oscar contender. Through her writing and speaking, Anisha inspires parents and communities to empower the next generation.
